How I Feel
by theRowan
Summary: How did Usagi feel after receiving her memories from her life as a Princess?
1. Comments Answered and NEWS

AN: this will be where I answer comments to my story and maybe post news. if you comment on this then...hehe I'll have to make a comment comment chapter...ohh jeez I ate way too much sugar today...can you tell? I'm being silly again....  
  
**NEWS**  
chapter four will be up soon folks! i just gotta figure out how too--ohh I almost gave it away! no worries!  
  
  
Bunnicula03  
I totally understand what you are saying, and you are right. If I was writing following the series (with her being Sailor moon, him being Tuxedo Mask...there being actual villains...) I would write it differently, but I'm writing it as if Serenity/Usagi isn't sailor Moon at all (hell there is none...at present...) Mamoru isnt Tuxedo mask and Usagi is struggling with who she is. This is techinically my first fan fiction where I wrote more then 500 words...so bare with me. I appreciate your comments anyway (sincerely I do) and am glad you brought up that point.   
  
Marni  
Thanks! I was hoping it soudned different...  
  
samsonite  
Thank you!   
  
Ebiris  
I'm hoping A/U stands for Alternate Universe...::big hopeful smile:: I hope it becomes clearer later on. I'm trying to stay as clear as possible...I prolly shoulda made an outline...what do you all think?  
  
I am currently fixing the Darien/Mamoru problem. After re-reading the chapters I realized that with so many Japanese names an English one just sounds cheezy as hell. If anybody noticed I already changed his name in Chapter three (that was more automatic...I just finished reading volume 18 and got Mamoru stuck in my head)  
  



	2. Chapter One

Title: How I Feel  
  
Entry: Chapter One  
  
Author: Moon Girl Lex  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Genre: romance/drama  
  
Notes: Italics means that its part of a poem/song (which I made up! So no one sue me for copyright infringements). Bold means Usagi's thoughts. Bold Italics means someone is talking to her that is not physically there.  
  
Disclaimers: Sailor Moon= not mine. Poem/Song= mine. Simple legistics folks. Sailor Moon belongs to Naoko Takeuchi, Kodansha, Bandai, DiC and whoever else I forgot (Tokyo-Pop?) Poem/Song (to be named eventually after I get the actual music notes down for it to BE a song…) belongs to me, Moon Girl Lex only. Should I sell it, you all will be the third or fourth to know.  
  
+++++  
  
IDo you see me in the mists of time? Calling out to you. To you…my beloved lost so long ago…/I  
  
BI sometimes see his face…in my dreams I mean. His beautiful face of sorrow and sadness. He calls to me, sometimes. Not so often, more often I call to him, by his special name that only I know. Endymion./B  
  
"U-SAGI! WAKEY UP! TIME FOR SCHOOL DEAR!" my mother called up, early one Monday morning.  
  
I have grown up on that call, every morning five times a week. I can't wait until my own kids are old enough to appreciate the fact I do NOT use that wake up call. I sighed, throwing back my covers and stretched. I hate mornings. I hate most of the day that isn't occupied with eating, gaming or hanging out. And sleeping, sleeping is very important to me.  
  
By the time I get my long blond hair into its customary buns (easier then it looks really) I have enough time for one piece of toast…before I am late for school by only ten minutes. I had screeched like a banshee and ran out of the house so fast I was a blur.  
  
I run kind of funny, but it gets me where I need to go in a hurry. Huffing and puffing I made it inside the building, red in the face and sweaty. Miss Haruna didn't even have to tell me, I had another detention. Sometimes it's depressing how many I manage to get in one week.  
  
The rest of the day goes by per normal, hanging with Naru and Umino at lunch, talking to Ami and Makoto during class, avoiding the teacher's glare when I fall asleep in class. Nothing new.  
  
After school, since my detention was for tomorrow, I head over to Rei's temple with Ami and Makoto. We mostly hang out there, at the Temple or Crown Center, where Motoki works. For the longest time I had a crush on Motoki, even fancied myself in love with him. Now though, with these dreams…  
  
1 I I call to you, do you hear? Calling your name, the name you told to me so long ago…the name that stands for my love…/I  
  
"Usagi, wake up! Stop day-dreaming!" Rei yelled at me, whapping me on the head with her broom. That broom hurts a lot. Its all bristly and sharp; it hits you on the head like a ton of thorny bricks.  
  
"REI!" I wail, covering my head as I feel tears well up. I'm very sensitive.  
  
"Look what you did now Rei…" Makoto gently admonished, patting my back soothingly. Makoto comes to my rescue a lot.  
  
I sit up and smile at her, wiping the tears away. Makoto could always make me feel better. "So Rei, why did you call us here?" Minako asked. She's ultra-cool, like a model really. Some say we look very similar, but I disagree, she has grace and balance. A perfect leader figure.  
  
"I called you all here because I think its time." She said simply, watching each of our faces closely.  
  
"Time for what?" I asked, confused.  
  
The other four looked at each in concern. Standing as one, they formed a circle around me. "Our Queen, our sovereign, the time is now." Rei said, her hands up, joining with the others.  
  
"We have tried our best, your daughter is happy. At least we believe so." Ami followed after.  
  
"Its time, the time we feared and prayed would never come again." Makoto said, I looked around at them all. Eyes closed, hands raised above their heads. They looked like they were in a trance.  
  
"Release the power to her, to the Queen that will be, the Princess she has always been and the daughter you once knew, so that she may protect us in the coming battle!" Minako finished, the last word resounding around.  
  
I could feel the power, I mean literally, surging around me. All at once I was lifted into the air. "GU-UYS!" I screamed, scrambling to get back down. They stared at me unseeingly. I thought I saw Rei's lips quirk though.  
  
I wanted to scream more, but I was feeling a bit faint and the world was dimming a bit. I clutched my head as images invaded me, clamouring with my memories for room in my head. A lovely young lady in a silk white dress…same young lady dancing with a masked man…laughing with a small black cat…crying as she plunges a sword through her chest amidst a battle…  
  
BI You are my daughter…the true heir…these are memories of what was… /I/B I knew that voice, such a soft soothing voice.  
  
Slowly the world came back and I realized I was lying in Makoto's arms. She--they all--looked worried. B Who am I? Usagi…no…Princess Serenity? Yes! I am Princess Serenity…but I am also Usagi… /B I couldn't stop the thoughts, I couldn't help but wonder who I was.  
  
"Princess…are you with us now?" Ami asked, I never noticed how formal her voice sounded when she talked to me before.  
  
"Mercury…" I said faintly, fondly. I look at each girl in turn. "Mars, Jupiter…Venus, how hard has it been dear cousin? For all of you…hiding who you truly are, what I truly am." I sounded so grown-up then.  
  
"We pledged our lives to you Serenity, it was the least we can offer," Minako told me, holding my hand to her cheek as she cried.  
  
I struggled to sit up, so Makoto helps me. I smile at her fondly before standing. I look around, disoriented. I knew I was on Earth, in Japan…but still I was confused. "Where is Luna? Artemis? Where is my guard?" I asked. "I do not have a guard." I answer flatly.  
  
They shift uncomfortably until Rei finally speaks up. "Princess…Luna and Artemis have not been found yet. We have tried, since our memories emerged some six years ago, but to no avail."  
  
"My meetings with each of you was engineered then? Nothing was left to chance was it?" I asked, amused. I chuckle softly. "Mother was always a far-thinker."  
  
The others didn't find it so funny. "We must get you to your home, Princess. Your mother will be worried." Ami tells me, leading me gently towards the steps.  
  
"But--"  
  
"You will grow very tired soon, majesty. Plus until you start acting more like…Usagi, we can't have your family asking questions. Rest is what you need." Rei explained matter-of-factly.  
  
I nodded weakly. What would the Tsukinos say if their daughter started acting royal? What would they think if they knew she didn't want to sleep?  
  
**  
  
Despite what movies say about life being normal after a major event--my life was catastrophic. For the next week I had to try to be Usagi Tsukino; that's who I am now. The Silver Millenium was over, the Moon Kingdom destroyed (I have yet to remember that…but the girls say it was not something I should want to remember) and as far as I can tell, my awakening was a bit late--by about three years.  
  
The hardest thing was trying to think of Usagi Tsukino as me and not as a third person. In class--pointless classes just like then--the teacher calls on Usagi, me, and I don't respond until Naru motions.  
  
Naru. My best friend? I'm not so sure…its been harder to remember my earlier years as Usagi. My two memories are not meshing well. I call my mom--Mrs. Tsukino. I refer to Queen Serenity as mother. Forget about my father, Mr. Tsukino. I don't think I had a father back on the moon. And Shingo? Can he even be called my brother?  
  
"Princess, please answer." Ami said, her heart-shaped face pinched with anxiety.  
  
"What was the question, Mercury?" I ask. There's another problem. I refer to Ami and them by their Senshi names.  
  
A flicker of pain sparks in her eyes before she turns her head back to the book. "Are there any problems? With your memories?"  
  
I fold my hands in my lap and curl my legs under me. "Yes. A few." I answer, averting my gaze.  
  
"What type?" Jupiter asked, my four 'guards' instantly alert. That gets wearisome sometimes.  
  
"My memories are not…meshing well together. My memories as Usagi and my memories as Princess Serenity collide and fight for space." I explain, trying hard to explain myself. "One or the other…did that memory happen to Usagi or Serenity? Its all too confusing…and Endymion…" I whisper, covering my face.  
  
"You remember the Prince, Usagi?" Mars…no REI asks me, touching my shoulder gently.  
  
I nod. "What do you remember?" Mina asks now, both sound overly cautious. What am I NOT remembering?  
  
"His face…his voice a little…his eyes…the color of Earth--this planet. So very beautiful." I tell them, drifting off in my first memory of him. Less then two months ago we met--or rather I met him. He didn't know me yet.  
  
I went to Earth, his kingdom, to watch him. Mina told me I wasn't allowed, that mother would be angry with me, but I had to see the handsome Prince so sought after. I hid behind a tree, watching him talk to some of his Generals.  
  
No. Wait. Not two months ago. More then a millenia ago! Endymion has it been so long? I sob uncontrolably, barely aware that my friends are whispering their concern about me.  
  
"…too soon…"  
  
"…wrong choice?…"  
  
"…careful enough!…"  
  
IThe life we shared…the memories of you and me…they were what kept me going…they are what draws me to you…/I  
  
+++++  
  
tbc  
  
  
  
Ending Notes: Ugh why bother putting this at the end? Not like many people read…ah…well how was it? I tried to stay truer to the Manga then the TV Show, since I know more about the Manga (seeing only the censored DUBBED version of Sailor Moon is okay, but not to be taken seriously in most cases). I spelled their names as in the manga version, 'cept I kept off the -chan's -ko's and such (too confusing…) and took off Mina's -ko ending too (from Minako to Mina in other words). Now here's a question: should I keep Darien, Darien or make him Mamoru? If I use Mamoru then I have to use Mamo-chan which means I have to use Usako…but then again if I put Darien with Usagi…sound odd. Agh not sure! 


	3. Chapter Two

Title: How I Feel  
  
Entry: Chapter Two  
  
Author: Moon Girl Lex  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Genre: romance/drama  
  
Notes: Italics means that its part of a poem/song (which I made up! So no one sue me for copyright infringements). Bold means Usagi's thoughts. Bold Italics means someone is talking to her that is not physically there.  
  
Disclaimers: Sailor Moon= not mine. Poem/Song= mine. Simple legistics folks. Sailor Moon belongs to Naoko Takeuchi, Kodansha, Bandai, DiC and whoever else I forgot (Tokyo-Pop?) Poem/Song (to be named eventually after I get the actual music notes down for it to BE a song…) belongs to me, Moon Girl Lex only. Should I sell it, you all will be the third or fourth to know.  
  
+++++  
  
I went to school feeling, uncomfortable with myself. Who was I? It was becoming bothersome to constantly say to myself silently 'I am Usagi Tsukino. I am the daughter or Kenji and Ikkuko (OOC: spelling? Not sure…) Tsukino. I have a younger brother, Shingo…' I think once I said it out loud in class, Ms. Haruna got really mad and gave me detention. Strange how a once familiar past time for me is so alien now.  
  
"Can anyone translate this sentence?" Ms. Haruna asked, tapping the board with her pointer and looking about expectantly. Around me groans of frustration were all that could be heard as the students went to work to figure the sentence out. "Usagi? Are you so good now that you don't need a book to help?" Ms. Haruna asked, her lips a thin line of disapproval.  
  
"No ma'am. It says 'The treeline is no farther then twenty yards.'" I told her, standing up and reciting. As the Crown Princess of the Moon Kingdom I was well versed in most any language known. Though 'Earth Speak' wasn't taught, I worked hard to learn it so that one day Endymion and myself could talk without translator devices.  
  
Ms. Haruna was obviously surprised--not totally in a good way from the way her eyes kept darting from the book to the board and then me. "Uhh…correct." She finally said. The entire class turned around to look at me. I stood tall, hands clasped in front of me ans stared ahead.  
  
"Sit Usagi!" Naru hissed, embarrassed for me.  
  
I did as she said. I saw Ami and Makoto cringe before returning their gazes to the front. I believe I made another mistake. I sighed and took out my mathematics book as the teacher said too. Another long day indeed.  
  
****  
  
"Hey Darien, what's happening?" Motoki, Darien's best friend, asked as the tall handsome young man entered the Café.  
  
Darien looked up from his book and pocketed his glasses. "School, school and then, more school." He replied, taking a seat the counter. Motoki automatically handed him a glass of soda before resting himself.  
  
"Aren't I lucky I don't have to worry then huh?" he joked, trying to coax a smile out of his serious friend.  
  
Darien gave a small smile and nodded, returning to his book after a sip of soda. Sighing, Motoki took up his rag and went back to cleaning the soda machine, wondering is Darien ever was without a book.  
  
/Outside/  
  
"This…place is somewhere s--I like?" I asked the four surrounding me skeptically. I admit to being a fun loving girl, but this place hardly seemed 'fun'.  
  
Mina and Makoto exchanged secret smiles, before they hurried me inside, laughing the whole time.  
  
"Howdy girls!" a cute blond guy said from behind the counter, waving his dishrag enthusiastically.  
  
"Motoki…" I said in wonderment. This guy meant something important to me. I tried to pinpoint the exact feeling but I couldn't. Something between love and friendship it seemed.  
  
"Hey Usagi," he said, smiling. He nudged someone at the counter, another man with dark hair, and smiled. Everyone seemed to smile a lot.  
  
The girls hurried me to a booth far in the back, just out of sight of the dark haired guy. "So?" Mina asked, her blue eyed dancing merrily.  
  
"What?" I asked, staring at her confused. Mina was my cousin back then, but now…we're just friends it seemed.  
  
"What did you think of Motoki? You are in LOVE with him!" Makoto prompted, her ponytail bobbing back and forth.  
  
"No…I love Endymion." I answered immediately, without thinking.  
  
They looked at each other, a look I began to view as their 'In time she'll understand' look. It seemed they used that look more then actually talking to me.  
  
"I mean…I LIKE Motoki, but I don't love him yet." I amended.  
  
Rei shook her head and refused to look at me, Ami looked embarrassed and pulled a book from somewhere (The seat? She hides books in the seats I think!), Mina absently picked at her nails and Makoto--with nothing to do-- looked uncomfortable.  
  
This was hard to ask. "Guys…when do you think Artemis and Luna will be awakened?" I finally asked. I missed Luna, my feline guardian and advisor. I took her for granted far too much before.  
  
"We're not exactly sure…" Ami.  
  
"…they might not even be cats…" Makoto.  
  
"…your mother said…" Mina.  
  
"…she'd repay their loyalty with a gift." Rei finished explaining.  
  
"Oh. Have you looked for them?"  
  
Nods of agreement. "Problem is, they must be like you. Their memories looked away." Ami told me, shrugging.  
  
"Perfect." I muttered, sinking down into my seat and pouting.  
  
/counter/  
  
"Did you see her?" Motoki asked, looking at Darien then the group of girls huddled in the back.  
  
"Her who?" Darien asked absently, marking a page in his book for further reading.  
  
"Her! The one I told you about. Usagi Tsukino." Motoki said impatiently, glaring. "Do you even listen to me anymore?"  
  
Darien grimanced and realized he was right. He spent more time reading around Motoki then talking to Motoki. "Refresh my memory." He said.  
  
"Blond, big blue eyes, sweet personality…" Motoki said. "If I wasn't dating someone I'd asked her out." Motoki sighed.  
  
"She here?" Darien asked, ignoring his friend.  
  
"Yeah, back their with that group of girls. Their her friends. Rei Hino, Ami Mizuno, Makoto Kino and Mina Aino. In that order, left to right with Usagi being the one with the odangos." Motoki pointed out, his arm reaching across Darien's face so he was forced to turn.  
  
***  
  
In the middle of sipping her water, Rei choked and turned red. Flapping her hands she motioned behind me. Now I realize she didn't mean fore to turn around, but I did anyhow.  
  
Your face…imprinted in my memory. Your smile…enough to make me wild…I'd know you anywhere…my love…  
  
"Endymion?" I whispered, sliding out of the booth seat to get a closer look. "Endymion?" I whispered again, my steps gaining speed as I realized who it was. "ENDYMION!" I shrieked in joy, throwing myself into his arms and sobbing into his shoulder. "I missed you so much…didn't think…the girls said…oh my love!" I murmured incoherently.  
  
I lifted my lips to his and kissed him, pressing myself closer to him. "My love…" I whispered against his lips.  
  
Strong hands pulled me off him. I struggled but they held firm. I turned to see who it was and gasped in outrage. "Let go! How dare you--? LET ME GO BY ROYAL ORDER!" I commanded, shouting as loud as I could.  
  
Despite my best efforts Makoto and Rei dragged me out of the café and out to the street. Ami and Mina hurried after, trying their best to keep me quiet. "You know what?" Rei asked, before I felt a thud against my neck.  
  
***  
  
/Café/  
  
Motoki stared at Darien, Darien stared at the blond girl being dragged away by a raven haired girl and brunette. Another blond, strikingly similar to the first rushed past with a blue-black haired girl, both offering apologies.  
  
I turned to stare at Motoki. He blinked. "Didn't realize you knew Usagi THAT well Darien." He said.  
  
"I don't--at least…I don't think I do. She called me…she called me 'Endymion'. That isn't my name." Darien said flustered. The unexpected small bundle had acted as if it was natural for her to kiss him so passionately.  
  
"Mistaken identity?" Motoki asked with a raised eyebrow. "I've known Usagi a long time and she has never acted like that before."  
  
"Maybe she was on something." Darien mummbled gruffly, willing himself to forget how it felt to be kissed by her.  
  
Motoki's dishrag fwapped Darien on the head hard. "Don't say that." He warned angrily.  
  
"I didn't mean--"  
  
"I got work to do Darien. Have a good afternoon." Motoki said coolly, walking away and disappearing into the back room.  
  
Darien looked to the heavens above. "What did I DO to deserve this?" he asked plaintively. As if in answer, the light above him blinked twice then went out.  
  
***  
  
Nothing seemed the same…after you left…will I ever see you again? Good bye…Good bye…  
  
I awoke with a major headache and the feeling of being trapped. Neither was welcome.  
  
"She's awake." A voice said.  
  
"Good…Usagi? Can you see okay?" Ami asked, bending over me.  
  
"Why…wouldn't I? Why do I have a headache?" I asked, confused.  
  
"Rei decided to quiet you down, but knocking you out." Mina said dryly, leaning against a wall.  
  
"It worked." Was all Rei said, from the fire.  
  
"It hurts!" I protested. She came over with a cup of steaming green liquid. "What's that?" I asked, feeling queasy.  
  
"It'll help." Ami assured me.  
  
After a momen t of hesitation, I drank the liquid down in a gulp. "Bleh…no taste!" I complained. "Where's Endymion…you pulled me away from him!" I accused a moment later.  
  
"We need to tell you something, Usagi…Princess." Makoto started quietly.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Endymion is…he doesn't remember you. The Queen…she made it so that he wouldn't." Ami said uncomfortably.  
  
"Why?" I asked carefully, watching each face closely.  
  
"The prophecy." They said together.  
  
++++++++  
  
tbc  
  
Ending Notes: I can't quite figure out how Darien and Motoki met in my story universe. Ohh! Shingo makes an appearence next! YEAH! My favorite character! Plus! The truth behind the life of the Royal Family of the Moon! 


	4. Chapter Three

Author's Note: since FanFiction.com doesn't support Bold/Italics etc, I put the appropriate tag in front of each. Tags, in HTML terms, are simply things to make the work have Bold, Italics, Underline…in script form. I=Italics B=Bold and /= the tag is done with.  
  
Title: How I Feel  
  
Entry: Chapter Three  
  
Author: Moon Girl Lex  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Genre: romance/drama  
  
Notes: Italics means that its part of a poem/song (which I made up! So no one sue me for copyright infringements). Bold means Usagi's thoughts. Bold Italics means someone is talking to her that is not physically there.  
  
Disclaimers: Sailor Moon= not mine. Poem/Song= mine. Simple legistics folks. Sailor Moon belongs to Naoko Takeuchi, Kodansha, Bandai, DiC and whoever else I forgot (Tokyo-Pop?) Poem/Song (to be named eventually after I get the actual music notes down for it to BE a song…) belongs to me, Moon Girl Lex only. Should I sell it, you all will be the third or fourth to know.  
  
+++++  
  
Remember how I was talking about being normal Usagi? Tell me, does normal Usagi have a prophecy made thousands of years before she was born, deciding who will and will not marry her?  
  
"What prophecy?" I asked, eying each one warily. Every fairy tale I ever read, the character with a prophecy usually died.  
  
Each turned their gaze to Ami, who only sighed before beginning in sing- songy tones. "When the last of the Moon is born, trajedy will befall the Kingdom. Earth will war and the planets will lose their Queen."  
  
"We learned it as kids…remember?" Mina asked me, holding my hand in hers as she knelt beside my mat.  
  
"Vaguely…" I answered softly, trying to call the memory back. "How was I to know I would be the last born?" I asked defensively. "How were any of us to know that?"  
  
Makoto gave a short laugh and settled beside Rei on my left side. "That's the thing of it. Nobody did know--that you were the last heir--until the kingdom fell."  
  
"Bit late then wasn't it?" Rei muttered, crossing her arms and looking stern. "Each Princess before you, assumed as you did--that the Kingdom would survive. You just had the dumb luck to be born when you were." Rei shrugged, at once making it seem my fault.  
  
I gave her a tight smile and resisted the urge to claw her eyes out. "The Kingdom fell, I died…what does this have to do with Endymion?" nobody would look at me, even Mina gently slid her hand away. "Tell me! As Princess I demand an answer!" I commanded in my most imperious voice.  
  
Their conflicting emotions were easy to see. Tell her and break the Queen's decree or don't tell her and break our sacred vows? That alone made me want to know even more.  
  
"Endymion was Prince of Earth!" Mina blurted out before dashing out of the room.  
  
And like that, I remembered.  
  
Through the passing of time, though we change our lives, I pray you still love me…  
  
/Moon Kingdom/  
  
Around them, the Kingdom fell. Flames consumed what was left of the once glorious palace, the flower garden lovingly tended by the young Princess Serenity turned to dust and people by the hundreds died. No more then fifty yards away, the Princess' Guardians were slain by their loves. And they in turn slayed themselves.  
  
Before the two lovers, stood the Dark Woman herself, the evil called simply 'Metallica' of the Negaverse, hovering behind her servant. Her smile was malicious and her eyes held a vacant cold glee in them as she plunged the Prince's sword through his own chest.  
  
A light consumed the Dark one and her minions, but too late, the Moon Kingdom was lost. What remained were no more then simple pillars. The young Princess, clutched her beloved to her and sobbed.  
  
"Please…" she whispered pleadingly in his ear, trying to staunch the bleeding somehow.  
  
"My love…" he gasped, convulsing once before turning cold. His vivid blue eyes stared at her, dimming without his soul to shine through them.  
  
"NO! No! No!" Serenity screamed, squeezing her eyes tightly and willing him to life. Reality and denial clashed as her cry of anguish echoed through time.  
  
/Present/  
  
"He died…he died in my arms. I held his dying body to me…" I whispered in horrified awe, sitting up in bed. I stared straight ahead at Rei's blank white wall, watching my past unfold as if on TV.  
  
"Yes. He died" Rei said oddly, shifting uneasily. "Princess we should get you home."  
  
I whirled on her in an instant. "Home? Which would that be? The home that I have now--with a family I am starting to forget and a life I don't want? Or my other home, the one of the Moon--the one that was destroyed by my own willfullness? Which is it Rei? You're all mighty aren't you? TELL ME! Which is it?" I screeched, pounding my thighs until they felt raw.  
  
"Hush Usagi…you weren't supposed to remember that…" Makoto began soothingly, attempting to pin my arms down.  
  
I slapped her hands away and turned my black gaze at her. "Stop treating me like a baby! I am the ruler of an entire Kingdom! Most of the universe as well! You are merely a servant--a tool! You dare order ME around?" I kicked off the comforter and scrambled out of bed.  
  
Before they knew it, I was out the door and taking the Temple steps three at a time. By the time they were at the bottom, I was already on a bus, watching them scurry around to find me. Strangely I felt…satisfied. Certainly all that built up rage was now gone, leaving me feeling peaceful.  
  
/Mamoru's Apartment/  
  
"What was she thinking…" Mamoru muttered, tossing his blazer onto his sofa. "And Motoki!" he muttered, rubbing under his eyes. Sighing he leaned his head against rapidly cooling pane of glass. Outside the cars on the street looked like little toy cars and the people were fast moving dots.  
  
"The way she kissed me…held me…" he went over the scene again, trying to see what had prompted such a heated display of affection from a girl he didn't know. "And why did she call me 'Endymion'?" that was what puzzled him the most, the name. So archaic sounding that to name a kid that would lead to certain social problems.  
  
Blowing air out of his nose in frustration Mamoru pushed off of the glass and went to his bedroom to take a short nap.  
  
/Earth: circa final days of Silver Millenium/  
  
"Prince, why this girl?" General Kunzite asked, watching his Prince enter his chambers after another clandestine meeting with the Princess of the Moon.  
  
"This something about her Kunzite…" Endymion started, blushing when he realized how cliché that sounded. "I don't know honestly. From the first moment I in her my future--everyone's future both here and on the Moon."  
  
"And for this you break both Kingdom's strictest commands?" Jadeite asked sharply from his chair by the fire. "You know the law, Prince Endymion. 'No contact with either the Moon Kingdom or the other planets.'"  
  
"I seem to recall other young men meeting with another young girls from other planets, no more then two nights ago," Endymion said casually, flicking his gaze from Jadeite to the rest of his elite guard. "Each of you are breaking the law yourself, yet I do not exact punishment do I? No. Why am I any different?"  
  
Zoisite, always eager to answer, kept his mouth shut tightly. Nephrite kept his gaze firmly on the flowers on his Prince's nighttable. Jadeite glared at the fire and Kunzite averted his eyes. "There's a prophecy. Lady Ami told me it some time ago." Zoisite finally said with a heavy sigh.  
  
Endymion nodded. "She says that the last heir to the Moon Kingdom will bring war to Earth and the Silver millenium will end." Zoisite repeated dutifully, his eyes downcast.  
  
"Surely it doesn't mean Serenity…she is young and healthy--how could she die soon?" Endymion asked, taken back. "Earth has no enemies, we are at peace with every nation."  
  
"And the Moon Kingdom has its celestial Sailor Scouts to protect her right?" Nephrite finished morosely. "The same Scouts who we all…/know/ as the Princesses of Mercury, Venus, Jupiter and Mars correct?"  
  
"Yes but…"  
  
"Prince, there is a reason why prophecies are feared." Kunzite began. "Because they more often then not come true."  
  
"I still don't--"  
  
"You don't want to that's why!" Jadeite shouted at him, knocking over his chair. "Ever since this blond haired Princess waltzed into your life all you ever think about is you, her and your 'Future' together! If the the prophecy comes true then how will that happen?"  
  
"Quiet Jadeite!" Kunzite ordered, having higher rank then the rest.  
  
"No! Each one of you voices the same things at night, when the Prince is asleep. Why should we remain silent? He's toying with our lives too!" Jadeite argued, his eyes locked with his commanding officer's.  
  
"Is that how it is then?" Endymion asked, backing away from the four men. "You don't trust me enough to know my own mind." His eyes narrowed as a multitude of emotions coursed through him at once. "Fine. Agreed. Leave me for the night." He ordered, turning his back on them.  
  
"Endy--" Nephrite started.  
  
"LEAVE!" Endymion shouted, his voice booming as loud as thunder.  
  
/Mamoru's Apartment/  
  
In a cold sweat Mamoru woke up, his bed soaked from his own sweat. He gripped the sheets convulsively in anger, fear and horror. "Wh..What was that?" he gasped, drawing in ragged breaths as he calmed down.  
  
Throwing off the two layers of sheets, Mamoru swung his legs off the bed and held his head. He barely noticed how he shaked, all he could hear was his heart pounding. He was more afraid now then he was years ago when they told him he was an orphan. "Who…when…" he mumbled, trying to make sense of the dream.  
  
"Endymion." He whispered, realizing immediately where he had last heard that name. Without another thought, Mamoru grabbed the nearest shirt and raced outside intent on finding that blond haired girl.  
  
/Tsukino Residence/  
  
"Oh Usagi you're home dear, good; dinner will be ready shortly." Ikkuko Tsukino said unsurely. She knew something was wrong with her daughter--me, but she's hard put to figure out what exactly.  
  
I mumble an affirmative and plop down on the couch. Shingo, my little brother, was screaming at some crazy driver to move faster. The screen blitzed once and then the car shot straight into a wall. Shingo let out a loud shout of dismay before realizing I was there.  
  
"What do you want Meatball head?" he asked rudely, making a face.  
  
"To be left alone in peace and my misery." I replied wearily, covering my face with a pillow and sinking down further into the couch.  
  
I felt Shingo jump up beside me, but didn't move or flinch. I was too tired for his annoyances. "You're not Usagi." He stated finally.  
  
The pillow fell off as I stared straight into his eyes. "I am Usagi." I said firmly.  
  
"Usagi would have hit me with that pillow. Usagi would have begged mom for food before dinner. Usagi wouldn't be caught dead with one of her Meatballs lopsided." He recounted for me. "She also wouldn't let me get away with acting so mean to her."  
  
I considered his words against the few memories I could clearly remember of Usagi's past. What he said was true, too a degree. "So…because I'm nicer and better behaved I can't be Usagi?" I asked him curiously.  
  
He shook his head vigorously. "That's not what I said!" he protested. "Usagi can be nice and behave well if she REALLY tries…but I miss her. I miss fighting with her and playing video games with her."  
  
"You miss beating me you mean." I retorted, folding my arms across my chest.  
  
"That sounded more like her." He decided with a nod. "Listen, its okay if you stay with us for a little while--its obvious you are trying hard at being my sister--but…please bring Usagi back soon, okay?" he told me before bounding off to the dinner table.  
  
I sat back and thought about what he said. Was it that obvious I couldn't be Usagi as she was before? What about Usagi now, wasn't she good enough? "Mom hold dinner I got to go somewhere!" I shouted before slamming the front door shut. I raced down my street and turned the corner running headlong into someone.  
  
"I'm so sorry…I got to be…" I trailed off as my vision cleared enough to see who I attacked. "Endymion…" I whispered.  
  
The young man appeared surprised at seeing me at first. I thought that was good, he remembers! Then he smiled ruefully and scratched his head. "That name again. Do I have a twin I don't know about?" he asked me, helping me to my feet.  
  
"N…maybe. I'm sorry. I thought you were my…someone I knew once." I told him softly, blinking to hold back my tears. Could I exist without Endymion? Of course, but what's the use?  
  
Together forever…not just today…you promised me…and I promised you…  
  
"Listen this Endymion guy must have meant a great deal to you. I can't be him though. My name is Shields, Mamoru Shields…heh always wanted to do that…" the young man said nervously. Strange, he didn't seem the type to be nervous.  
  
"I understand. Please forgive me for bothering you." I tell him, mustering all my strength to look at him. I stifled a gasp of pain. His eyes were just like Endymion's. How can he not be--? I wonder if Mother knew how her daughter would suffer because of one misguided attempt to save her.  
  
"Miss…Tsukino right? Usagi if I remember correctly." Mamoru was saying, offering his hand.  
  
Mutely I took it and then we both reeled from the pain.  
  
/Last Day of the Moon Kingdom and Silver Millenium/  
  
"Serenity get out of here!" Endymion commanded, shielding his love as best he could from the chaos around them.  
  
"No! I won't leave you!" Serenity insisted, stifiling a scream as Endymion killed another soldier.  
  
"I can't fight without knowing you are safe!"  
  
"I'm only safe with you!" Serenity sobbed.  
  
"How…achingly sweet."  
  
~Close by~  
  
"Together! Protect the Princess!" Venus ordered, the four scouts quickly seperating.  
  
"I think maybe you need to protect yourselves first." A silky voice said from the shadows. The four Generals from Earth stepped forward, each in front of their 'beloved'.  
  
"Kunzite?" Venus said confused. "Didn't the Prince order you guys to stay on Earth to fight there?"  
  
"You mean you're not happy to see us?" he asked, holding her gently to him.  
  
Despite herself, Venus snuggled into his embrace. "Of course we're happy to see all of you…"  
  
"Good. Settled." Nephrite said, kissing Jupiter.  
  
"Let's go." Jadeite said, grabbing Mars' hand and tugging her away from the fighting.  
  
"Go..? go where? Jadeite you're hurting me!" Mars accused, snatching her hand back.  
  
"Zoisite?" Mercury said slowly, eying him suspicously.  
  
Venus was the first to go down, Kunzite's smile full of malice. Jadeite struck Mars down with his sword, twisting it slightly. Jupiter was strangled by Nephrite and Ami was given a blow to head.  
  
"too late…" Mars whispered, echoed by her sisters in battle.  
  
The Generals reveled in their victory for a minute before their senses came back to them. Howling in pain and fury, each took their lives, holding their loves in their arms to the last.  
  
~close by~  
  
"Venus? Mars? Mercury? Jupiter?" Serenity whispered, watching each die.  
  
Endymion watched his Generals kill them before dying themselves.  
  
Serenity wasn't sure she was comprehending what was going on. "Girls…?" she tried to struggle away from Endymion, but he heldher tight.  
  
"A pity. They would have made great soldiers in Metallica's army." Beryl said, her tongue flicking out in distaste. "prince? Release the girl and I'll spare you."  
  
Disgust filled Endymion's soul and spat at Beryl's face. "Very well." She picked up his sword and with a cold smile went to plunge it into the Princess' heart.  
  
Squeezing her eyes shut, Serenity waited for death. She felt the blow--but through another. "Endymion?" she whispered, watching his face contort in pain.  
  
"My…love…" he gasped.  
  
"no. No! NO!" Serenity screamed, holding Endymion tightly. "You can't die!" she whispered fiercely, ignoring the exclamations around her.  
  
With tears streaming, Serenity placed the sword at her own chest, glancing up briefly to see her mother, soot covered and bruised, coming at her. She smiled faintly before plunging the sword straight through her.  
  
/present/  
  
"I killed myself!" I exclaimed softly, waking up slowly. My head hurt something dreadful, but that was secondary to what she had learned. "That's what they tried to hide from me…"  
  
"Seren…ity?" Mamoru whispered from beneath me. With a gasp, I shifted my weight off him.  
  
"Endymion?" I asked my eyes wide.  
  
"Yesss…" he said, taking a deep breath.  
  
With a yelp I circled his neck with my arms and hugged him tightly.  
  
TBC  
  
******************  
  
ending notes: what? WHAT? It can be continued…'sides you never know what complications love brings in…and what will Serenity do now that Endymion remembers himself? Battle of the Confused Identities is coming up! 


	5. Chapter Four

Author's Note: ohhh no bolds, italics….also no poem…aieee I lost what I meant for it to say!  
  
Title: How I Feel  
  
Entry: Chapter four  
  
Author: Moon Girl Lex  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Genre: romance/drama  
  
Notes: Okay I'm getting lax with the tags and with the poem…oh! Forgot to mention this afore. From Chap3 on Darien will be Mamoru…as soon as I get the time Darien's name will be changed in the first chapters too. And thanks for the great reviews!  
  
Disclaimers: Sailor Moon= not mine. Simple legistics folks. Sailor Moon belongs to Naoko Takeuchi, Kodansha, Bandai, DiC and whoever else I forgot (Tokyo-Pop?) Poem/Song (to be named eventually after I get the actual music notes down for it to BE a song…) belongs to me, Moon Girl Lex only. Should I sell it, you all will be the third or fourth to know.  
  
++++++++  
  
We're back at Endymion/Mamoru's apartment, nursing our headaches and trying to piece together our shared pasts. I'm also debating whether to tell the girls or not that Mamoru remembers. It seems my late mother didn't want him to..why though? Thinking under these circumstances is crazy; I'll just live and enjoy this moment.  
  
"So…" Mamoru said, holding my hand lightly in his as we drank hot cocoa.  
  
"Yeah…so…" I repeated. It was a bit awkward I guess. Mamoru was so much like Endmyion, but the small differences were there. Like how Endymion was built better.  
  
"This is beyond weird. We both died right? So how do we remember our past life?" Mamoru asked, shaking his head. I loved his hair tousled, gave him a certain rogueish look to him.  
  
"Reincarnation. I think I learned about it in class." I answered, frowning a little. I was sure I learned it, but the details were fuzzy. "Are your memories hazy too?" I asked, keeping my eyes concentrated on my cup. Aside from holding my hand, Mamoru hadn't tried to hug or kiss me.  
  
"A little, I can't remember what I did last week…" Mamoru replied thoughtfully. He shook himself and let go of my hand. "Will someone be looking for you?" he asked, pointing to the clock on the side table.  
  
I bolted upright with wide eyes. "Usa-my family will be. I told them I'd be back soon," I took a step towards the door and stopped, waiting for him to say something.  
  
He took a step towards me and gently turned me towards him. "This is overdo I think…" he whispered, giving me a light kiss on the lips. "I'll drive you home." He said, disappearing into his bedroom to get his coat.  
  
I stood frozen, my hand to my lips. Something was off with his kiss. Like he was unsure how to kiss me. Or didn't want to but felt obligated too. Tears welled up in my eyes as I whirled around and rushed out of his apartment. From the window he shouted for me to wait, but I didn't listen I kept running and running.  
  
Why? After so long…I choked back a sob and made a turn, my feet obviously knowing the way I wanted to go. If I had been paying attention, maybe I would have noticed how dark it was. If I cared to listen to the news maybe I would have heard of the gangs roaming around at night. If I hadn't left so quickly then Mamoru and I could have talked. Too many if's.  
  
"Look what we have here guys."  
  
"A broken heart darling?" another older boy asked, stepping from the shadows.  
  
Startled I turned around and ran smack into one of his buddies. "I'm fine." I told them firmly, pushing past the one guy.  
  
His hand grasped my upper arm firmly and halted my movements. "Now listen here sweetie, we're gonna make you feel better."  
  
"I feel fine. I wish to pass by now." I told him, starting to be afraid. I could barely swat a fly let alone three guys with probably knives hidden on them somewhere.  
  
"Don't be so rude." The leader ordered, pushing me on the ground. I scrambled back and hit another guy's legs.  
  
Eyes wide in terror I let loose a scream high enough to rock the glass out of windows. I heard a terrified 'Run!' and then silence. Opening my eyes, the leader laid at my feet, crumpled over. Feeling for a pulse I found a very faint one. My forehead felt warm and for a second I was afraid I was bleeding.  
  
Pulling a mirror out of my pocket I held it up high enough so I could see my forehead. Pushing my bangs away I gasped. A glowing crescent moon was smack in the middle of my head. I looked from the moon to the guy to my forehead again before it struck me that's what scared them so badly.  
  
"I can't go home like this!" I whispered fiercely, so I went to the only place I knew would be welcoming--Rei's temple.  
  
****  
  
"They attacked you?" Ami asked horrified.  
  
"And…this popped up on my head." I told the four assembled around me, parting my bangs so they could make it out more clearly. I smartly removed any mention of Endymion/Mamoru.  
  
"The Mark of the Moon." Mina said, nodding sagely. "It was bound to happen at some point."  
  
"What does it mean?" I asked anxiously, wincing at my reflection. Each day brought me farther and farther from a normal life.  
  
"The Mark means you are of the royal family of the Moon. We four--" Makoto pointed at each of the others "Have the mark of our respective planets, but only when we are protecting you."  
  
"So why is mine gung-ho on showing itself?" I prompted, snatching a cookie off the platter in front of Rei. Finishing that one I snatched three more. Rei didn't comment.  
  
Ami shrugged. "Maybe because you were in danger? I'm sure it will fade as you calm down."  
  
"I can't go home like this! What will I say? 'Don't mind the crescent on my forehead. It's a mark of my royal birth.' Hello! Can you say therapy?" I exclaimed, my mouth semi-full with cookie.  
  
"Then sleep here. You've done it before. Don't be so dumb." Rei admonished, wagging her finger at me. I darted a glance at her broom, safely tucked away in the closet. Rei saw my glance and smirked. "It would be unseemly for me to beat you now that you know your heritage."  
  
"Thank god for small favors." I muttered, rolling my eyes.  
  
*****  
  
"Motoki? Yeah its me En-Mamoru. I'm sorry about earlier. I didn't mean what I said about Usagi. Really? Okay I'll meet you there then. Bye." Mamoru hung up his phone and stared at it for a minute.  
  
He frowned remembering how Usagi had fled his apartment. "Little devil is faster then a Mach 1 jet…" he murmured. He still couldn't figure out what was wrong. Then again he had spent most of last night wondering where he fit in now.  
  
Part of him thought 'Just yesterday Serenity and I were planning our wedding.' And then other part was reeling at the fact he wanted to make out with the blond haired girl. Neither seemed ready to compromised, making him a very tired person.  
  
Grabbing his car keys--it amazed him how rich his new self was--and would have left if his hand hadn't grazed a picture frame and knocked it over. Bending he picked up the simple frame and looked at the picture.  
  
"Mom…dad…me…" he whispered, touching each one. The memory of the crash and his years at the orphanage still were clear in his mind. "Did I have a mom and dad in my other life?" he wondered aloud, surprised that he didn't remember at all.  
  
Shaking his head he left the picture on the sofa and went to meet Motoki at the café.  
  
****  
  
"Wake up Usagi, you can go home now, " Rei told me, poking me with the broom's handle.  
  
"Thought youse said it…wouldn't be seemly…" I mumbled, yawning. I pushed the handle away and rolled over, sticking my head under the pillows.  
  
"That was before I realized how late you sleep! Now get up Meatball Head!" Rei shouted, flipping the pillows across the room.  
  
"Reeeiiiiii…." I moaned, groping for the absent pillows miserably. "It's a SATURDAY! Lemme sleep in…"  
  
"Your parents called a little while ago. They say a young man is there waiting for you." Rei told me, poking me with the bristley end now. "A guy named…Mamoru Chiba?" she continued, poking me harder.  
  
"Ow…ow! Okay I give I'll get up!" I said, sitting up finally. "This bed sucks." I told her, feeling like I had to say something.  
  
"This is a shrine and I'm a Priestess. Nobody ever said we had good beds." Rei shrugged, leaving. "Borrow something if you like, if not just grab your clothes. I'll wait for you on the steps--some of us have actual chores to do." She said pointedly, before shutting the paper door.  
  
I razzed her and took my time getting up from the bed; more of a mat really. I reached for the small mirror Mina had left and examined my forehead for strange markings. "Nothing at all." I said satisfactorily.  
  
Nodding to my reflection--a nice normal Usagi reflection--I rummaged through Rei's normal clothes before deciding my clothes were better suited. Dressing I jogged down the million or so steps to where Rei was. "what took you? I'm nearly done!" Rei exclaimed, waving the dangerous broom.  
  
"Sorry Rei, some of us take pride in our appearance," I said huffily, sticking my nose up. "Gotta go now! Thanks for keeping me! Bye!" I said, dashing down the stairs and around the corner before Rei could pounce on me. I could almost hear her screech of frustration; guess some things won't change all that much…  
  
****  
  
"Soo…" Kenji Tsukino, Usagi's father, said eying the young man on the couch warily. "How do you know our daughter again Mr. Chiba?"  
  
Mamoru shifted on the couch in discomfort, aware of the three pairs of eyes watching him with very different ideas in their heads. "I-uh see me at…no um we know…" Mamoru stammered, trying to remember but finding it hard with the older man's gaze fixed on him.  
  
"Honestly honey, leave the poor boy alone!" Ikkuko Tsukino said with a twinkley laugh. Mamoru could see some of Usagi in the older woman. "You're scaring him to death!" she teased, batting her husband's arm playfully.  
  
"Are you Usagi's boyfriend?" Shingo, Usagi's younger brother, asked in earnest. He gripped the couch on either side of his body firmly. "Usagi never mentioned a boyfriend." He answered almost immediately.  
  
"We're not really boyfriend and girlfrie--"  
  
"Good because she is too young and you are too old for her." Kenji interupted sharply.  
  
"Its not like it mattered be--" Mamoru shut hus mouth quickly, gulping back the rest of that sentence.  
  
"What were you saying?" Kenji asked, narrowing his eyes behind his glasses suispiciously. "Is there something you wish to say to us MR. CHIBA?"  
  
"I--" Mamoru was cut off by the sound of the front door opening and slamming shut. Moments later a very exhausted and red-faced Usagi appeared in the living room, panting and sweating mightily.  
  
"I'm…sor…ry…I'm…late…" she gasped between gulps of air.  
  
*******  
  
I will never ever complain about the walk to school. Compared to the run I just did to get home from Rei's it's a piece of cake. I saw through blurred vision my parents, brother and Mamoru seated in the living room. Mamoru looked uneasy and my father looked murderous. What did I miss exactly?  
  
"Rei said you were here, Mamoru." I said calmly, taking a seat near Shingo, who moved over at once. "Why?" I asked, darting a glance at my parents.  
  
"Mr. Chiba was just telling us how you two knew each other Usagi," my father said quickly, his eyes riveted to Mamoru.  
  
"Oh well you know how stories go…" I said dismissively. "Why bore you with the details?"  
  
"I insist." Father said firmly.  
  
"Weelll…see it was through Motoki--"  
  
"Who's Motoki dear?" mother asked, gesturing wildly.  
  
"Uh…the guy who works at the Crown Center, remember?" I reminded her.  
  
"Oh yes…go on…" she murmured, looking away.  
  
"Motoki and Mamoru attended school together--"  
  
"He's not in school?" father ground out, his eyes almost red.  
  
"He is!" I hastily said. "Just not the same one anymore, right Mamoru?" beside me, Mamoru just nodded and kept his staring contest with my father going. "And Motoki introduced us. End of story. Oh look at the time we better be going." I said, tugging Mamoru off the couch.  
  
"Wait!" father said, standing up and coming towards us. He leaned into Mamoru's face closely, looking for who knows what. "He's too old for you Usagi." He finally stated, leaning back.  
  
"He's not! He's the same age as he was before!" I blurted out, slapping my hand over my mouth as I realized what I said.  
  
Quick as a light Mamoru had us out of the house and into his car, speeding away. It was several minutes later before he spoke. "They don't know, do they?"  
  
I studied my plated blue skirt intently. "no…"  
  
"Is that wise?" he asked me, eyes intent on the road, hands gripping the wheel hard.  
  
"Its for the best…let them believe that their daughter is a little crazy instead of thinking she is replaced…by me…" I said softly, sadly. "There's honestly nothing I can do!" I burst out.  
  
"About what?"  
  
"I'm changing Mamoru! Everyone notices, every day someone else asks me 'Are you okay Usagi?' and just yesterday Shingo told me it was okay that I wanted to be his sister, but to bring her back soon." I looked at him through tear-filled eyes. "Who am I really?"  
  
Mamoru pulled over into a parking lot and turned off the car. We sat quietly for a few minutes, the only sound of my quiet sobbing. "I don't think Queen Serenity meant for this to happen."  
  
I sniffled but didn't answer. "I think she meant for you to live your life as Usagi and sometime when you were older for you to learn the truth." he went on.  
  
"And you?" I asked, twisting my hands.  
  
Mamoru looked out the window. "I was never meant to remember at all."  
  
I wanted to protest, but realized he was right. "Now what?" I asked softly, feeling drained.  
  
"Now we…" he paused, taking my hand in his. "Now we try to forget again."  
  
TBC  
  
******************  
  
ending notes: all right! I think the next chapter will be the conclusion…extra long too…maybe a sequel? Hmm…you all tell me…till next time see yah! 


End file.
